I am weary.
The past few weeks have been a whirlwind, and I’ve really been feeling the need to recenter and refocus. I’m getting married in less than three weeks, and in a time of so much joy, I’ve been feeling so much anxiety, frustration, and sadness. A lot has changed in my life, and I’ve allowed myself to become a servant to these negative thoughts and feelings. I’m exhausted from plans, never-ending to-do lists, traveling, more planning, the list goes on and on. But I think I’m wearing myself out by giving in to the exhaustion without letting myself celebrate, hope, and dream.
Landon got a job in Durham, North Carolina. During my undergraduate years, I spent a couple of summers working in Raleigh, and it has been a dream of mine to come back to the area. As Landon received the job offer, my mom and I were walking into a meeting with our wedding venue, loaded down with notebooks, drawings of floor plans, and a list of questions. I glanced at my phone, seeing that Landon had received the offer, and instantly shifted my focus to the wedding. The rest of the week, Landon was traveling, I was working on wedding plans with my mom, and we didn’t have much time to talk about the job — it was a no-brainer to accept it. With the acceptance of the job, though, came many unanswered questions — Where will we live? How will I find a job? What do I need to do to prepare? When will we move? — and my mind naturally wanted answers to all of those questions in that very instant. Because things were so crazy and disjointed, Landon and I weren’t able to spend much time together talking about the job, rejoicing in his success. By the time we were able to sit down and be together, my mind was overrun with my quandaries, and I didn’t take the time to celebrate Landon. I chalked it up to anxiety, not accepting the blame for my shortcomings — my proneness to fear and anxiety, but also my lack of faith.
You see, I’m the opposite of a good-weather Christian. While I hold my Christian beliefs firmly no matter the day, I know I pray more when things are not so good — I pray selfish prayers for personal success without follow-up prayers of gratitude. I had selfishly prayed for Landon to get this job, and God provided. But I wasn’t willing to see that he was taking the reins into his own hands. I refused to acknowledge the presence of God in our journey, and I went straight to stressing about the next thing.
We traveled to North Carolina to look for a place to live, and God provided again. A place that seemed to be way out of our price range ended up being a place we could afford, and it’s a home that we’re excited to create. Our home. The pieces continue to fall into place, and I still have my concerns — I don’t have a job yet. I have prospects, and I’m doing what I can. But that’s all God asks of us, especially during a time of stress and transition — to do what we can and have faith in His ability to fill in the gaps.
So here I am today, thanking God for what He has done and what He is doing. I’m apologizing to my future husband for being slow to rejoice in his successes. I’m owning up to my imperfections and trusting that the people who have promised to love me unconditionally will extend grace to me. I’m praying that I will always be willing to do the same.
God has so much to reveal to us if we just look for Him in the unknowns (and the knowns) and trust in His promise to always provide for his people.
Daily Mahle 