The thing about anxiety is that you never know how it’s going to hit you, at least that’s how it is for me. I’ve read countless articles that pop up on my Facebook feed, typically click-bait on “How to Love a Girl with Anxiety” and other crap like that. So I feel like I’m not the only one on this earth who is surprised by the form my anxiety takes day after day.
Some days it’s a gnawing hunger, an incessant need to consume as many kilocalories as possible. All of the carbohydrates I keep in my pantry, refrigerator, and freezer. I eat so much that I think I might get sick. Some days I do eat so much that I get sick. My body tells me I need to keep eating, never satisfied until I feel like a blob of a human, not wanting to get my lazy butt of the couch.
Some days it’s the opposite – vomiting over and over again. This happens more often than I would like, even in situations in which I know I am safe and comfortable. My body just rejects that feeling and requires nervousness. Some days it’s not eating anything at all, or eating sporadically – I’m unable to get a real schedule down.
Some days it’s waking up at 2 A.M. feeling completely rested. Other days it’s sleeping until 2 P.M. and feeling like I can’t get up, just wanting to shut my eyes again. Many days, it’s waking up with my heart pounding in my chest and my body vibrating from how quickly my circulatory system is pumping. It’s never knowing how my energy level will be, or how long it’ll last.
Some days it’s hours of berating myself. “I’m a terrible student.” “I’m the worst girlfriend.” “I’m such a flakey friend.” It’s not being able to shake those thoughts no matter how hard I tell myself that I’m not helping anything. It’s getting frustrated with the fact that I can’t stop these thoughts, which turns into berating myself even more.
Some days it’s the inability to breathe. The feeling that someone strong is pushing on my chest, pushing against my heart. It’s telling myself, “Breathe in… Breathe out…” as I sit in class, trying to soak up the information, but not being able to trust my body to do involuntary actions. My thoughts dictated by my need to survive.
Sometimes it’s anger. Doubt. Sadness. Hysterics. Overcompensation that takes the form of happiness or laughing a little too loud or too hard.
There are many things that I find frustrating about having anxiety, but the randomness of the forms it takes is what really gets to me. There are days I can’t understand what I’m feeling or why I’m feeling a specific way, and I take it out on other people or bring the mood down when I walk in a room. Some days are phenomenal, and then thirty seconds later, I’m fighting tears. It’s the not knowing what the day will hold that makes it an uphill battle.